lost 4 pounds!

So... I am still on this whole diet thing... blech! Doing good so far, although it hasn't been easy with J in the house... first he ordered pizza and offered me some... twice! Now honestly I am not really a big fan of pizza, so it isn't too big of a deal, but still! I think the reason that I don't really like pizza is because that is my husbands favorite food so in the 6 years we have been together, I have eaten more pizza than I did in the first 20 years... And since I can't eat bread I just generally have given up on it. And last night, when I came home... he was like, "I made cookies! want one?" grrr... of course I want one! So I had one, but I figured that one is ok. One of the things that I am doing is kind of depressing, but it is working so far. I am entering in my weight for the day on my calculator on my phone and the taking a screen shot of it. I then set the picture as my lock screen so that every time I play with my phone, I see that depressing number. Since I play with my phone all the time, it is keeping me on track. I don't know if that would work for everyone, but it is helping to keep me focused.

I am on birth control again, and it did what it was supposed to do... I am no longer on my period so HALLELUJAH! I am going to try to look at this 2 months as a reprieve... Yes, I want a baby but at the same time I really love my life and it is ok if it doesn't change for a while. I mean we still have things that we have to do to get pregnant, but I need to find out from our insurance how much they will cover... The main thing for Justin is a semenalysis and me a hysteropingogram. I just feel like we are going to get screwed on what insurance will cover. Oh well, nothing I can do. I am really hoping that I get this manager position, because I really need the hours and the money... I need to make at least 400 dollars a month and with what I am making right now, there is no way that is going to happen... at most, I will make about 300. That is just not going to work, I need 300 for J's student loans and 100 for bills, anything I make over that will go toward infertility stuff once we have all the credit cards paid off. So I guess it doesn't really matter that I am on birth control for the next 2 months, I couldn't afford anything anyways... ok, enough moping around... I am out at 218.2! down 4 lbs!

Rant, Rave and Riot

I am frustrated tonight... I went to my new OB-GYN for the first time today, and I actually really liked her... She wants to run some tests to eliminate some of the possible reasons for my infertility, which is kind of amazing... My last OB-GYNs refused to do any kind of tests, so this is a refreshing change. The only thing that really made this whole thing suck is that since I have been on my period for 35 days with no signs of it stopping, the only surefire way to stop the bleeding is to start birth control. She wants me to do 2 months of BC so that I can get all of the tests done, and maybe not be quite so anemic before we go any farther. The logical part of me understands and even agrees with this, but I can't help but feel slightly devastated. It feels like I am going in the complete wrong direction. I know that there are so many people that have gone though this, but I can't help but feel very alone. I feel like I am the only one trying to make this happen... Hell, I guess I am. Justin has not been to one appointment with me. He wants kids but everytime there is a road block he is just so god damned blasé about it I just want to fucking scream... when ever we talk about it, he always says, "well if we want a baby, we should have more sex" Yes, that is true that we haven't had much sex... but hey, being on my period 80% of the last 3 months seems to make it a bit difficult... ok, I am just venting. I just need to fucking breathe and have one very large margarita!

Here we go again!

Well, I am trying this blog thing again... We will see how long it lasts this time! I currently weigh 222.2 and my goal is to weigh 170. For a short girl like me that is still overweight, but I felt so good at that weight that I am going to aim for it. WHEN I get there I will reevaluate my goals. Today is a big day for me... I started my diet today, and I have a Dr appointment with a new OB-GYN. I have been on my period for 35 days so far and I can't stand it anymore! I have been trying to get pregnant for 2 years and my wonky cycle and my PCOS have prevented it. I wish to start fertility treatments soon, but as it is a very expensive thing to do, I am going to have to wait until I have some money banked. Until then, I will be going back on clomid... while I don't hold much hope for it working, it still gives me a better chance than bleeding for months at a time. Honestly I just miss sex! All of this is tied in together of course... supposedly it is easier for skinny people to get pregnant than fat people. I am just tired of having people tell me to just relax... that word makes my blood pressure go up and I want to strangle a b#$%h! Ok, no negativity today! Well, here are some current pictures that I hope will become "Before" pictures!

Day 1 at 222.2 lbs

Day 1 at 222.2 lbs

Day 1 at 222.2 lbs

family... namely, mine

Ok, so I was laying in bed and thinking about my life and my family, when I realized I had to write it down... Because surely what I feel is something they would want to know.

I am truly one of the luckiest people in the world. I have the most accepting and loving family. My mom and dad are... quirky... enough that being around them is fun. Not a chore and something that I look forward to whenever we have a family thing planned. I have 2 beautiful sisters that have ALWAYS been there, even when I was being the snottiest teenager you could imagine. Whenever I think of my oldest sister Kelly... Kelly the smelly belly... yes I just put her most hated nick name out there for anyone to see... feel free to call her that, I am sure she won't mind, anyways... whenever I think of her, I think about all the mums and flowers that she made sure I got over the years during high school when that stuff matters so much. She KNEW... really knew how much it meant to me, and so when I think of her, that is always there. The beautiful and hidden sweetness that is behind everything else. Then there is my sister Stacy... gruff, tough and my secret role model. She once pointed out how accident prone I am, and that reminded me that every time I hurt myself she had some beautiful flowers to give me. I still miss the bromeiliad or however it is spelled, that she gave me when I had my back surgery. I always want to buy another one, but I never do... It wouldn't be the same. Truly I have the most sentimental family. We think we are so tough, but really we love to cry. you can't get us together without us actively trying to get someone to cry with happiness. I had that distinction with a poem for Stacy for her coming baby. My newest nephew. I already have two nephews that I love more than anything. And really they are the funniest and sweetest, and possibly the most alien people. I can't wrap my head around boys and the stuff they do. But boy I am proud of them. So how can I not welcome my newest nephew as much? I have never met this nephew, but already I love him. I want to hold him and love him, and most importantly, welcome him into this crazy, lovable, and truly amazing family that he is being born into. You already have a dozen people in your corner, ready to beat up the kids that make you cry. Ready to support you in every crazy scheme that you come up with (cause you will... you have Duval genes) Truly, I have the best family in the world.





Listen to the Mustn'ts

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child
Listen to the DON'TS
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me--
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.

-Shel Silverstein

flooding continues in Huntsville!!!

So today is day 46 of period watch. Tempers flare as multiple inmates have their faces forcibly removed by insane correctional officer. As the flood shows no sign of stopping, drastic measures are considered; such as digging out of the offending organs with a cheap blue spoon to be flung at unsuspecting supervisors!!!

Ok, so yeah today I have been on my period for 45 days. It is so funny, I almost passed out today. Apparently too much blood loss, and being severely anemic will do that to ya.

But On a MUCH happier note, I was very productive this morning!!! I started making phone calls to doctors, I set up an appointment with Dr. Hsiao to discuss my lab results and to get me on thyroid medication, that is at 10:00 on the 14th and then at 3:45 I have an OBGYN appointment. I was going to get a pap smear done so that I could get back on birth control, but I can't get a PAP untill I stop bleeding, and I can't stop bleeding untill I get on Birth Control, and I can't get on Birth Control untill I get a Pap... Vicious Cycle. Or more like Never Ending Cycle... I wonder will they give me a pap when I die from blood loss?!?! ok so enough of that... I also called my advisor at True Results and set up a PreOp appointment with my Surgeon, Dr. Hollis. I also set up my surgery date, Which is September 3rd!!! yay... the only crappy part is that I have to do a presurgery diet. It is really strict but I will stick to so help me Bob. ok, well that is all for now!!!